Thursday, May 20, 2010

The prayers we pray and what we really mean

Yesterday I received the news that the little girl I had been praying for, Chrissie, had passed away. Our prayers for healing were answered! She no longer has a broken heart, lungs that don't function, tubes inserted all over her body, a body that is paralyzed to due to medication. No she is free to run, free to dance, free to sing, free to be whole in the presence of Christ. But my heart is sad. Sad for her mom who will never hold her baby girl in her arms again. Sad for her brothers and sisters who now have a missing sibling. Sad for the loss those of us who were drawn to our knees in prayer for this girl and this family feel as we realize she is gone. Sad that a funeral has to be planned. Sad that a small coffin has to be chosen. Just sad.

God teaches us to pray, "not my will but thine be done". And "not to us, not to us, but to you be the glory". I pray these things and there is a whole big part of my heart that means them, but, oh God, there is a part of my heart that rebels against the idea that your will and your glory could be brought about through such pain and agony, such heartache, and loss. Then I think of the cross- your will, your glory brought about through pain, agony, heartache and loss. I still don't like it. My spirit still pushes against it. I still, in my deep down heart of hearts, hope you don't call me to it, but I press into the idea that if the day comes that you find it right to glorify yourself through my family is such horrific ways you will find it right to let me experience your love and peace in even more tremendous ways- ways I could never imagine. I ask God that you will use us for your glory- whatever that means. I pray that prayer with fear and trembling, but with trust that you indeed are good. Just look at the cross.

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